Interview with an Escort - Part II

Helena's Haven is an eye-opening blog by a Berlin-based escort, Helena. Dissecting stereotypes and challenging misconceptions, Helena shares her personal journey within the sex work industry. She speaks candidly about her clienteles varied motives, the reasons behind her work privacy, and her relationship dynamics amidst her unique profession. Helenas Haven offers fresh insights and meaningful discussions, illuminating the often misunderstood world of sex work.

In your opinion, what are the biggest misconceptions in society regarding sex work?

I have thought about this a couple of times already. A while ago, I read the book "Playing the Whore: The Work of Sex Work" by Melissa Gira Grant, which talks a lot about the downsides of prostitution - and I was shocked! I am one of these women, but I don't recognize myself in her words. I am not a broken girl from humble beginnings who doesn't see another way out. I don't have a pimp who is constantly holding his hands open while dozens of men lay next to me. I am not treated like a worthless good by my customers, nothing of what I'm doing is dirty or even perverse. that's not me, and that's not how I feel. Unfortunately, I believe that this idea is still widely spread, and books like these just confirm these assumptions. But hey, the normal, settled mother who enjoys doing sex work to fulfill some of her heart's desires simply doesn't sell as well and doesn't feed the narrative of the poor, helpless girl in need of a savior.

I believe that the women doing sex work come from all different social classes and have countless different reasons to do so. There is no such thing as the typical prostitute, and you surely won't recognize her on the street.

The same goes for men and what they are looking for in an escort. Some are young and trained, some are at an advanced age and don't fit the typical beauty standards. They are single, married, divorced, or even widowed. They take care of their families and love their wives. Oftentimes a stroke of fate made them set up a date. Many didn't have any physical contact with a woman for a long time, simply don't know how to do so, or don't even have the time to move from bar to bar for hours, just to go home by themselves anyways.

For example, one of my customers recently told me that his wife had a tough time battling the after-effects of surgery on her uterus. Since that day, everything related to her genitals or sex was forbidden to her. Obviously, that experience was so traumatizing to her that she wouldn't even let her husband close to her anymore. She could get through this with some therapy, but what's left for him if she's not willing to do so? Go without sex for the rest of his life? Make her choose? Leave a generally happy marriage for this one reason? Exactly.

I believe that our society likes to take shortcuts when judging someone, but people's lives and motivations have so many facets that it's impossible to put them into these "black or white" boxes of guilty or not guilty. Here as well, there is no such thing as the "typical customer", and his reasons for meeting an escort are just as diverse as the women's reasons for becoming one.

Do you experience any shaming from individuals or groups of people because of your job? If yes, how much does it affect you, and how do you process it?

A complex answer. I don't hawk this part of my life around but talk about it very openly if the context is right. I don't let anyone devalue me and thus don't fear any judgment. My family, which in my case is only my mom, doesn't know. Mostly because she's a very anxious and worried person, and not because I don't openly share my life, sexuality, and relationships with her. I believe she wouldn't be able to sleep one calm night if she knew; she would be too afraid of either "my soul being broken" or some of the men killing me. She doesn't know because I don't want her to feel that fear, especially since it wouldn't change any of my actions.

I'm almost never confronted with depreciation if I talk about my job - the opposite is the case! You have no idea how curious and interested people can be in everything "extraordinary"! I'm confronted with a lot of interest and sometimes even get questions regarding "advice for getting started in the escort business."

The rest, my family of choice, was a big help, from my very first thought up until now. When I first started talking about my consideration to become an escort, many started talking about their connections to the escort business. One friend knew someone who had an escort agency, a befriended couple even once looked for an escort themselves to fulfill their dream of a threesome. So, no shame from my side. I fully stand behind what I'm doing, for me there is no reason to be ashamed about anything. And this open-mindedness gives people the chance to get an authentic picture of the escort business.

How did you tell your boyfriend, and what was his reaction?

He'd like to be an escort himself, but unfortunately, there are not as many possibilities for men as there are for women. The demand seems to be much lower, and there are much fewer agencies - and even fewer ones of higher quality. But that's a whole different story.

Nowadays, my partner fully approves of what I'm doing, and we openly talk about all of my experiences. Of course, it hasn't always been that easy; it took him a lot of work to get to where he is now. At the beginning, there were fears like "what if she will fall in love with a rich, good-looking man who can lay the whole world at her feet?" or "if she has so much sex outside of our relationship, will she even still desire me?"

All that isn't an issue anymore. He gets all the information regarding things like the pickup point and my location, and as soon as I'm done, I'll let him know I'm still alive. This way, he can make sure everything is alright, and I can always look forward to seeing him at home. We are one team, regardless of how rich or good-looking my customers are.

Helena, 28 Escort from Berlin